AF showed up today, and I cried. I cried because I was almost 10 days late, and while I've always been on a 30+ day cycle, you still talk yourself into the whole baby idea whether you want one or not. Husband says we're done, and even I on most days if asked would agree.
In my mind, I know we should be done...we have two happy, healthy kids, and really, what more could you ask for. I just don't know if I will ever be able to with any kind of reality, close the door on that part of my life. That part is really the most wonderful, magical, precious, fulfilling space in time that will forever be with me. Even with the little bit of drama that came with the first, and the misery that came at the end with number two, I'm totally and completely still as in love with that part as ever. I know there are very cool things to come with the next chapter of raising these little wonders, but it's like comparing apples and oranges. When you become a mother, even from the first glimpse of that beautiful double line you will never be the same...you are forever changed in the most wonderous way, and to have such closer with all of that is heart-breaking and something I don't think I will ever be able to fully do. To never be able to hold one of my babies so neatly in my arms again is something I'm having a very hard time doing. And no, having my husband say "I'm sorry, but I don't want any more" is not some magic wand that makes it all go away. I'm not sure that this feeling ever will....so for now, I will go kiss my beautiful little ones that are not so little anymore, and try to put this sadness back up on it's little shelf....I'm sure I'll get it down again someday....
L
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